Anyone else write fan fiction?

[Mazaki]

So, we all build sabers... But how many of us have the gift of creative writing?

I thought I might share the cover for the book I'm writing. You can take a guess of what it's about. ;)


http://img651.imageshack.us/img651/4738/ashesofthephoenixfrontc.png

Anybody interested in an excerpt?

[Rafalema]

I am!

[Mazaki]

This is an excerpt from Chapter II. Please keep in mind that this is not finalized. There is still some editing that needs to be done, but this should show what I'm capable of writing, nonetheless. :)

Please note: This is PG-13 rated. If you know you shouldn't be reading this, please don't. You know who you are. :rolleyes:

______________

CHAPTER II

Coruscant

With a sigh, Ben Andrion leaned back in his chair as he relaxed in the spacious, wood-walled office of his corporation headquarters top floor. The room’s atmosphere was cool and comfortable, as Ben preferred. The room had been built to his exact specifications, after all. A couple of his quite young, very attractive, female office assistants were working in a corner of the room, filing through checks, papers, and other assorted documents.

He paused for a moment, thinking about what he hadn’t had taken care of already. Quickly recalling it, he sat up in his dark leather chair to organize some of his documents on his computer. As he placed his hand on the desk to use the holographic mouse, the desk’s intercom played a short, cheerful tune, followed by the soft, pleasant voice of his secretary.

“Mr. Andrion?”

“Yes, Sellena?” asked Ben kindly. Granted, he may have been one of the most powerful and influential men in the galaxy with the Galactic Senate under his thumb, the Galactic Supreme Court in his pocket, and even Chancellor Palpatine up his fine-fabric sleeve begging for help, but he wasn’t an unpleasant or rude man...Maybe a little overconfident, but never unpleasant. It was bad for business, after all.

And Ben had a right to be brash, for sure. He was very tall with a muscular build, ruggedly good looks, and he was extremely charming, not to mention a genius. This made him quite influential in politics, as well as seduction. A playboy at birth, some would say, but Ben knew it to be true. Being the full-fledged chief executive officer to one of the wealthiest corporations in the galaxy, he couldn’t help it, but live the glamorous life. And at twenty-nine years old, he figured he’d be damned if he didn’t live his young life to the fullest. Women, multi-million credit luxury speeders, and houses…He had all the good things money could provide.

Sellena paused and then spoke quietly, “Someone by the name of Severus Ordo wants to see you, Ben.”

Ben took a moment to think, making Sellena instantly worried. Ben usually made his decisions quickly, even the most difficult of them. This was a trait very typical of modern, high-risk businessmen. It was either all in or all out. Wait too long and the opportunity could be grabbed by another man or woman with more mental guts, which Ben had a surplus of.

“Should I notify security?” prompted Sellena in a barely audible whisper, with clear concern in her voice. Ben finally responded.

“No, that won’t be necessary. They wouldn’t stand a chance anyways. Send him in.” Ben paused for effect. “And…Tell him he has some explaining to do.”

“I’ll tell him.”

The platinum plated doors of his office slid apart and Ben watched as his secretary ushered Sev’s hulking, armored form into the room. Ben lowered his brow in disappointment as he observed Sev for a moment, looking him up and down from his sweaty head down to his mud caked boots, which were staining his office’s wine–red carpet.

Ben stared down Sev for another moment, and then swiveled his chair towards the two young employees, clasping his hands together.

“Could you excuse us for a bit, ladies?” asked Ben politely with a smile.
The two women responded in kind and collected their things rather quickly, realizing the impending explosion of Ben’s temper. As they scuttled out the room in their tall heeled shoes, Ben noticed Sev eyeing the two women’s backsides.

The doors then slid shut behind them, followed by the clanks of their locks. Ben then turned towards Sev. Normally, Ben was not an emotional man, but when he did get emotional, it was full blast.

“What the frack were you thinking?” yelled Ben, completely enraged as he stood with clear ferocity, resting his hands on his desk for support and bringing his face closer to Sev’s.

“Could you even fathom how difficult it was for me to get the media looking in a different direction, not to mention getting your sorry hind out of death row from the Titanian government for all of this?” he yelled, grabbing a newspaper and slapping it down on the desk for Sev to see a picture of himself being arrested on the front page.

“You were lucky you were only sent to prison. If you weren’t such a damn valuable asset to me, I wouldn’t have even bothered! While you sat in a cell, bored for a couple of days, I was practically killing myself just so you would be able to walk through my doors again.”

Sev began to open his mouth in protest, but Ben wasn’t about to let the stubborn bastard talk without him finishing first.

“Then, you decided to escape; your next big mistake. I told you to wait, Sev! My lawyer told you that I would get you out if you just waited! But no, you had to do things your way. Now, not only do I have to cover your rear, but mine as well! If you pull another stunt like this again, I’ll personally see to it that you end up taking a thousand year nap inside a sarlacc! Do we have an understanding, here?”

Sev simply stared at the metal-capped toes of his boots. He knew he had made some mistakes, but being who he was, he had to be defiant, and at the same time tell Ben what he wanted to hear.

“Yeah, yeah, quit your whining. So I made a few mistakes,” said Sev calmly. Ben felt his blood pressure rise, which Sev sensed immediately. “Look, for what it’s worth…I eliminated the target.” Sev smirked as he said it. Ben’s rage returned.

“You better have, you only blew up the whole frackin’ block!” spat Ben, motioning his hands in the form of a massive explosion’s shockwave.

“You told me to eliminate everything. Palpatine told you to eliminate everything,” responded Sev darkly.

“Oh, I understand, shoeshine, but what you did was stupid, reckless and unnecessary,” countered Ben coldly. Sev responded by yanking his right-hand blaster from its holster. And soon after, leveling it with Ben’s head.

“If you ever call me shoeshine again, I can guarantee that I’ll make your death as bad as Usaro’s, ten fold. You have no idea how much garbage I have to sift through just to get my pay from your cheap shebs.”

Ben simply stared past the weapon into Sev.

“You won’t shoot me.” said Ben very calmly, almost strangely, seeing the click in Sev’s mind through his eyes. “You know that I have the capability to completely and utterly screw you over. Even when I’m dead, I can ruin you. I’m that fracking persistent.”

Sev stayed silent at this remark and his grip eased on his blaster. It was quite true that Ben had a lot of power over Sev, maybe even too much for Sev’s liking. Sev had Ben by the neck, and Ben had Sev by the gett’se. They both only wanted one thing out of each other and it was none other than money. Extortion, blackmail and violence were their tools of the trade. If one could get the edge on the other, they would.

Ben smirked as Sev reluctantly placed his blaster back in the holster. He decided to change the subject, in attempts to keep his employee from having a rather violent change of heart.

“So, I noticed your interests in my employees,” said Ben as his smirk turned into a grin, rising from his chair. He approached a shelf containing drinking glasses and an ice box. “You want their numbers? They can give you one hell of a good time.”

“Lust and greed can be distracting,” replied Sev coldly. Ben chuckled and opened a small, climate-controlled cabinet, running his fingers over his fine liquor selection. He finally selected a mean bottle of Mandalorian Fire Whiskey.

“All right, all right, I get it. Business, then. Strictly business.” said Ben as he returned to his desk and set the bottle and ice-filled glasses on it. He tapped a few of the keys on his computer, bringing the monitor to life. “You’re going to need a chancellor-level pardon in order to get yourself officially out of prison and probably a new alias to keep the police off your tail,” said Ben as he opened the bottle and poured them both full glasses of the bright red, bubbling liquid. He handed Sev his glass and then took the remaining one for himself. “Cheers.”

They both took a swig from their glasses. Ben recoiled back and moved the glass away from his lips as he coughed from the sheer alcoholic intensity of the beverage. Sev simply chuckled.

“P*ssy,” he said with a smirk, finishing his glass without as much as a flinch.

“Joke’s on you,” chuckled Ben with a grin. “You lost a lot of your pay pulling this little stunt of yours, I thought you should know.”

Sev responded by grunting.

“What did you expect, Sev, a reward? You really got me in a bind this time, so don’t expect sympathy from me,” said Ben sternly as he continued typing. Sev decided to let it be. Ben still didn’t know that Sev had been captured and taken to a CIS fortress, instead of the prison camps that the Titanian government had him shipped off to. He also had to keep in mind that if he ever encountered those two Jedi again, they would recognize him. Clearly, there were more pressing matters.

“Meh, at least I got a free drink,” said Sev, finishing his glass and sitting down in a chair. “So, how may this humble assassin earn your trust once again?” asked Sev. Ben continued clicking and typing at his computer, his gaze not moving from the monitor.

“You can start by cleaning my carpet.”

“I meant besides being your whore.”

“Well, the Titanian Federal Government already stated that they were bringing a Jedi investigative team in to figure out what really went on that night.” Sev raised his eyebrows at the statement. “As you would expect, Palpatine wants cover. It’s hard to keep yourself from getting impeached when you’re hiring nuts like you and I to kill people, eh?” Ben grinned.

“I’m assuming he wants me to kill them, then?” questioned Sev.

“Stall them, get them off course. Killing them would be the ideal option, but I don’t think it would be wise for you to engage them, plus it might attract attention to things we don’t want noticed. Of course, you’ve proven to me time and time again that you have little to no wisdom.”

“You said that the last time I killed a Jedi. It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

“Hey it’s your funeral that I’m not paying for,” said Ben, raising his hands in front of him in mock surrender. “So you’re taking the job?”

“Depends, how much are you paying me?”

“More than you’ve made in your lifetime. Cash.”

“I didn’t know there was that much cash in this sector,” said Sev, smirking at the remark.

“Well, there is. You could wipe your dirty shebs with the stuff if you wanted to after doing this job,” responded Ben, returning the smirk as he offered to shake hands. “So are you in?”

Sev didn’t have to think twice as he grabbed Ben’s hand and shook it.

“Deal.”

[Shadar Al'Niende]

I would like to say, I have not read what you posted above. While I am all for sharing creative writing (i am a writer myself) Posting a disclaimer does not allow for breaking the rules, nothing over PG-13 (heck, try to keep it to PG) should be posted here. Period.

If there IS material over a PG-13 rating, please, edit or remove it.

[Mazaki]

I would like to say, I have not read what you posted above. While I am all for sharing creative writing (i am a writer myself) Posting a disclaimer does not allow for breaking the rules, nothing over PG-13 (heck, try to keep it to PG) should be posted here. Period.

If there IS material over a PG-13 rating, please, edit or remove it.

Perhaps it would help if you review it? I don't work for the MPAA, but Wikipedia's definition of PG-13 fits it pretty good. There is non-vulgarized alcohol consumption in this excerpt, threats or references to violent activity (war), minor language, and a reference to a character being physically attracted to another character.

And I am fully aware that a disclaimer won't exclude me from forum rules.

[Shadar Al'Niende]

Then we are good. Just wanted to be clear, thanks for making an effort to "color within the lines" :)

[Mazaki]

Then we are good. Just wanted to be clear, thanks for making an effort to "color within the lines" :)

No problem. :cool:

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

I write fan fiction! Strength in the Force, Shadows of the Empire, Lost, Ancient City, Old Masters... all mine!

[Archangel]

I write fan fiction!

Why am I not surprised.... :rolleyes:

[Jedi-Loreen]

Hmm, "Shadows of the Empire" sounds awfully familiar........http://media.ign.com/boardfaces/33.gif

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51H3F724K0L._SL500_AA300_.jpg

I think someone already beat you to that title.

Prince Xizor, anyone? ;)

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

Shadows of the Emipre? I've never heard of it, well, I guess I'll change the title.

[Jedi-Loreen]

It was written in 1996.

Were you even born yet?

Just curious.

[Skottsaber]

Well unless it was published before January 26th then... yes.

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

Well unless it was published before January 26th then... yes.

Exact same as Skott I mean, cuz he said my b-day

[Jedi-Loreen]

Oh, I didn't notice that you had your birth date in your profile.

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

yea, well it's there, well, i guess you already know that now.

[Mazaki]

I write fan fiction! Strength in the Force, Shadows of the Empire, Lost, Ancient City, Old Masters... all mine!

Cool! But yeah, Shadows of the Empire may need some changin'. ;)

[Jedi-Loreen]

Zekk, you might want to check out this list, so you don't accidently use another title that's already been used. ;)

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_books

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

Thanks J-Lo!

[Mazaki]

So, has anybody read the excerpt yet? Any comments, criticisms, rants, screaming? Hell, I'll take anything I can get. :lol:

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

This is an excerpt from Chapter II. Please keep in mind that this is not finalized. There is still some editing that needs to be done, but this should show what I'm capable of writing, nonetheless. :)

Please note: This is PG-13 rated. If you know you shouldn't be reading this, please don't. You know who you are. :rolleyes:

______________

CHAPTER II

Coruscant

With a sigh, Ben Andrion leaned back in his chair as he relaxed in the spacious, wood-walled office of his corporation headquarters top floor. The room’s atmosphere was cool and comfortable, as Ben preferred. The room had been built to his exact specifications, after all. A couple of his quite young, very attractive, female office assistants were working in a corner of the room, filing through checks, papers, and other assorted documents.

He paused for a moment, thinking about what he hadn’t had taken care of already. Quickly recalling it, he sat up in his dark leather chair to organize some of his documents on his computer. As he placed his hand on the desk to use the holographic mouse, the desk’s intercom played a short, cheerful tune, followed by the soft, pleasant voice of his secretary.

“Mr. Andrion?”

“Yes, Sellena?” asked Ben kindly. Granted, he may have been one of the most powerful and influential men in the galaxy with the Galactic Senate under his thumb, the Galactic Supreme Court in his pocket, and even Chancellor Palpatine up his fine-fabric sleeve begging for help, but he wasn’t an unpleasant or rude man...Maybe a little overconfident, but never unpleasant. It was bad for business, after all.

And Ben had a right to be brash, for sure. He was very tall with a muscular build, ruggedly good looks, and he was extremely charming, not to mention a genius. This made him quite influential in politics, as well as seduction. A playboy at birth, some would say, but Ben knew it to be true. Being the full-fledged chief executive officer to one of the wealthiest corporations in the galaxy, he couldn’t help it, but live the glamorous life. And at twenty-nine years old, he figured he’d be damned if he didn’t live his young life to the fullest. Women, multi-million credit luxury speeders, and houses…He had all the good things money could provide.

Sellena paused and then spoke quietly, “Someone by the name of Severus Ordo wants to see you, Ben.”

Ben took a moment to think, making Sellena instantly worried. Ben usually made his decisions quickly, even the most difficult of them. This was a trait very typical of modern, high-risk businessmen. It was either all in or all out. Wait too long and the opportunity could be grabbed by another man or woman with more mental guts, which Ben had a surplus of.

“Should I notify security?” prompted Sellena in a barely audible whisper, with clear concern in her voice. Ben finally responded.

“No, that won’t be necessary. They wouldn’t stand a chance anyways. Send him in.” Ben paused for effect. “And…Tell him he has some explaining to do.”

“I’ll tell him.”

The platinum plated doors of his office slid apart and Ben watched as his secretary ushered Sev’s hulking, armored form into the room. Ben lowered his brow in disappointment as he observed Sev for a moment, looking him up and down from his sweaty head down to his mud caked boots, which were staining his office’s wine–red carpet.

Ben stared down Sev for another moment, and then swiveled his chair towards the two young employees, clasping his hands together.

“Could you excuse us for a bit, ladies?” asked Ben politely with a smile.
The two women responded in kind and collected their things rather quickly, realizing the impending explosion of Ben’s temper. As they scuttled out the room in their tall heeled shoes, Ben noticed Sev eyeing the two women’s backsides.

The doors then slid shut behind them, followed by the clanks of their locks. Ben then turned towards Sev. Normally, Ben was not an emotional man, but when he did get emotional, it was full blast.

“What the frack were you thinking?” yelled Ben, completely enraged as he stood with clear ferocity, resting his hands on his desk for support and bringing his face closer to Sev’s.

“Could you even fathom how difficult it was for me to get the media looking in a different direction, not to mention getting your sorry hind out of death row from the Titanian government for all of this?” he yelled, grabbing a newspaper and slapping it down on the desk for Sev to see a picture of himself being arrested on the front page.

“You were lucky you were only sent to prison. If you weren’t such a damn valuable asset to me, I wouldn’t have even bothered! While you sat in a cell, bored for a couple of days, I was practically killing myself just so you would be able to walk through my doors again.”

Sev began to open his mouth in protest, but Ben wasn’t about to let the stubborn bastard talk without him finishing first.

“Then, you decided to escape; your next big mistake. I told you to wait, Sev! My lawyer told you that I would get you out if you just waited! But no, you had to do things your way. Now, not only do I have to cover your rear, but mine as well! If you pull another stunt like this again, I’ll personally see to it that you end up taking a thousand year nap inside a sarlacc! Do we have an understanding, here?”

Sev simply stared at the metal-capped toes of his boots. He knew he had made some mistakes, but being who he was, he had to be defiant, and at the same time tell Ben what he wanted to hear.

“Yeah, yeah, quit your whining. So I made a few mistakes,” said Sev calmly. Ben felt his blood pressure rise, which Sev sensed immediately. “Look, for what it’s worth…I eliminated the target.” Sev smirked as he said it. Ben’s rage returned.

“You better have, you only blew up the whole frackin’ block!” spat Ben, motioning his hands in the form of a massive explosion’s shockwave.

“You told me to eliminate everything. Palpatine told you to eliminate everything,” responded Sev darkly.

“Oh, I understand, shoeshine, but what you did was stupid, reckless and unnecessary,” countered Ben coldly. Sev responded by yanking his right-hand blaster from its holster. And soon after, leveling it with Ben’s head.

“If you ever call me shoeshine again, I can guarantee that I’ll make your death as bad as Usaro’s, ten fold. You have no idea how much garbage I have to sift through just to get my pay from your cheap shebs.”

Ben simply stared past the weapon into Sev.

“You won’t shoot me.” said Ben very calmly, almost strangely, seeing the click in Sev’s mind through his eyes. “You know that I have the capability to completely and utterly screw you over. Even when I’m dead, I can ruin you. I’m that fracking persistent.”

Sev stayed silent at this remark and his grip eased on his blaster. It was quite true that Ben had a lot of power over Sev, maybe even too much for Sev’s liking. Sev had Ben by the neck, and Ben had Sev by the gett’se. They both only wanted one thing out of each other and it was none other than money. Extortion, blackmail and violence were their tools of the trade. If one could get the edge on the other, they would.

Ben smirked as Sev reluctantly placed his blaster back in the holster. He decided to change the subject, in attempts to keep his employee from having a rather violent change of heart.

“So, I noticed your interests in my employees,” said Ben as his smirk turned into a grin, rising from his chair. He approached a shelf containing drinking glasses and an ice box. “You want their numbers? They can give you one hell of a good time.”

“Lust and greed can be distracting,” replied Sev coldly. Ben chuckled and opened a small, climate-controlled cabinet, running his fingers over his fine liquor selection. He finally selected a mean bottle of Mandalorian Fire Whiskey.

“All right, all right, I get it. Business, then. Strictly business.” said Ben as he returned to his desk and set the bottle and ice-filled glasses on it. He tapped a few of the keys on his computer, bringing the monitor to life. “You’re going to need a chancellor-level pardon in order to get yourself officially out of prison and probably a new alias to keep the police off your tail,” said Ben as he opened the bottle and poured them both full glasses of the bright red, bubbling liquid. He handed Sev his glass and then took the remaining one for himself. “Cheers.”

They both took a swig from their glasses. Ben recoiled back and moved the glass away from his lips as he coughed from the sheer alcoholic intensity of the beverage. Sev simply chuckled.

“P*ssy,” he said with a smirk, finishing his glass without as much as a flinch.

“Joke’s on you,” chuckled Ben with a grin. “You lost a lot of your pay pulling this little stunt of yours, I thought you should know.”

Sev responded by grunting.

“What did you expect, Sev, a reward? You really got me in a bind this time, so don’t expect sympathy from me,” said Ben sternly as he continued typing. Sev decided to let it be. Ben still didn’t know that Sev had been captured and taken to a CIS fortress, instead of the prison camps that the Titanian government had him shipped off to. He also had to keep in mind that if he ever encountered those two Jedi again, they would recognize him. Clearly, there were more pressing matters.

“Meh, at least I got a free drink,” said Sev, finishing his glass and sitting down in a chair. “So, how may this humble assassin earn your trust once again?” asked Sev. Ben continued clicking and typing at his computer, his gaze not moving from the monitor.

“You can start by cleaning my carpet.”

“I meant besides being your whore.”

“Well, the Titanian Federal Government already stated that they were bringing a Jedi investigative team in to figure out what really went on that night.” Sev raised his eyebrows at the statement. “As you would expect, Palpatine wants cover. It’s hard to keep yourself from getting impeached when you’re hiring nuts like you and I to kill people, eh?” Ben grinned.

“I’m assuming he wants me to kill them, then?” questioned Sev.

“Stall them, get them off course. Killing them would be the ideal option, but I don’t think it would be wise for you to engage them, plus it might attract attention to things we don’t want noticed. Of course, you’ve proven to me time and time again that you have little to no wisdom.”

“You said that the last time I killed a Jedi. It’s nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

“Hey it’s your funeral that I’m not paying for,” said Ben, raising his hands in front of him in mock surrender. “So you’re taking the job?”

“Depends, how much are you paying me?”

“More than you’ve made in your lifetime. Cash.”

“I didn’t know there was that much cash in this sector,” said Sev, smirking at the remark.

“Well, there is. You could wipe your dirty shebs with the stuff if you wanted to after doing this job,” responded Ben, returning the smirk as he offered to shake hands. “So are you in?”

Sev didn’t have to think twice as he grabbed Ben’s hand and shook it.

“Deal.”

Very nice so far!

[Skottsaber]

*sigh*
Zekk... do you really think it was necessary to quote the WHOLE excerpt just to make a comment that was clearly about it?
C'mon...

[Jedi-Loreen]

That's almost as bad as when someone quotes an entire long post that's right above their own, just to make one short comment on it. :rolleyes:

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

sorry, i forgot to shorten it before I posted... I'll edit it now. ...or not. No quote popped up.

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

I have updated my fan fiction series.. I now have:
Strength In The Force
Phoenix Fire
Lost
Ancient City
Old Masters

Each of these books follows Darius Malakoth on his quest to destroy
Darth Gorog. Each book represents one planet in the quest. These are the planets visited in Chronological order throughout the series:
Strength in The Force: Dantooine
Phoenix Fire: Mustafar
Lost: Telos
Ancient City: Tython
Old Masters: Tython/ Coruscant

And these are the
characters:

Jedi[B]
Darius Malakoth
Cal Omas
Talia Durron
Bellara Cyrus
Cassus Harth

[B]Sith
Darth Gorog
Governor Olaris
Vestara Khai
Ahri Raas

Other
Shoto
Sarriss
Mateo

[Mazaki]

Have anything we could read? That would be awesome! :)

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

Have anything we could read? That would be awesome! :)

Will soon!

[Mazaki]

I hater to be a party pooper, but that's wrong. here's the link that explains it:
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/The_Jedi_code
"Jedi do not marry (with some exceptions), in order to avoid attachment and—according to Vergere—so as not to create dynasties of those strong in the Force. However, in many periods of the Order's history, such as the era prior to Exar Kun and in Luke Skywalker's reformed Jedi Order, marriage was not forbidden. That being said, celibacy was enforced in many periods of the Order's history." A direct quote from it about the original jedi marrying

Huh, I guess I don't know a much as I thought I did about the Old Order. My bad. :rolleyes:

But wouldn't there already be a character that forced celibacy again?


Will soon!

Awesome!

[Rian Jardrit]

I have written my own Star Wars story a while (years) back, centered around my Star Wars alter ego Rian Jardrit (human) and his friends/jedi colleagues/partners in "crime" Kay Denloss (human) and Tira Larna (Twi'lek).

The story begins with following the childhood years of Kay an Rian, prior to Ep4: A New Hope, and continues through the Original Trilogy and into the New Republic era (the Thrawn saga I respect, so didn't meddle with that in my story, but the whole Yuuzhan Vong thing... I hate 'em, I do not think that race is very Star Warsy, more Star Trekish, so I totally ignored the events in those books and wrote my own vision of post RotJ era!)

Character design has even been made (in a time I was into Japanese Anime, hence the art style... -_-')! :P
---> http://www.ralfamama.com/images/kay-tira-rian.jpg

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

Upon request, I have written up something for you to read from my first book, Strength in the Force.

It was cold. Space was cold. Hyperspace seemed endless. Jedi Master Darius Malkoth was en route to Dantooie to pick up a group of padawans and bring them to Coruscant. But he still had a way to go. Barefoot and naked from the waist up, he kisked back the covers from his bed and swung his feet over the edge, resting them on the cold metal floor. He stood, stretching, feeling every bone rack and pop. He picked up his lightsaber from his side table, and left for the cargo hold of the ship.
In the cargo hold, bits of durasteel scattered the floor from Darius' training. Darius ignited his lightsaber and began to pratice the aggresive forms of Djem So. His muscles groaned in protest, his joints clicking and grinding as he moved carefully through a variety os sequences. Slash. Feint. Thrust.
The soles of his feet slapping against the floor.
As he continued to ignore the aches and pains that inevitably accompnaied the first half of his nightly regime, Darius' movements began to pick up speed.
As the minor pains wents away, Darius shifted to the quicker sequences of Soresu, his lightsaber tracing tight circles above his head.
The red indicator light told Darius that he had come out of hyperspace. He put on a fresh tunic and robe, his belt and boots, and piloted the ship down to the planet's surface. He stepped out of the ship to find the Jedi Enclave in flames. Every jedi was dead. And through the smoke, he saw a familiar figure... Darth Gorog, Dark Lord of the Sith.
Darius ignited his lightsaber, but as the smoke cleared, Gorog disapeared...

[DJMoonbass]

I
Bellara Cyrus


Wut?.....


i write to. i have an updated version of my story i wrote a while back... but i kinda need to ask the mods if its okay if i post it. it gets REALLY violent. and kinda bloody... but its AMAZING!!!!!!

j lo maybe i should PM you the story and have you approve it first would this be okay?

[Mazaki]

Zekk:

Is that excerpt just a back cover sort of thing, or is that the beginning of a chapter/prologue? Because if it's the beginning of a chapter, it needs work. I felt confused after reading through that. I need more details, get into Darius' mind. Go through his thoughts, talk about the horror he experiences when he sees the Enclave in flames.

Also, something to note: wouldn't he have seen the Enclave destroyed before he landed? Perhaps you could say:

As Darius made his descent, he noticed a massive smoke plume slowly rising up from the surface. Something was wrong...And the force told him so. The ship soon came within visual distance of the Enclave, and all became horrifyingly clear. Darius was stunned, and thought for a moment his sight had betrayed him; he couldn't believe it.
His gaze was ripped away from the sight for a brief moment as his faithful craft softly touched down on the landing pad, and the whine of engines shutting down reverberated through the cabin. Taking one last glance out the view screen, Darius ripped his gaze away and ran to the back of the ship, opened the ramp, and stepped out into the soot filled air. Darius lifted his hood, and made way for the Enclave.

The first Jedi he came across...It was not easy to bear. A mere youngling, maybe only 8 years old, was dead at Darius' feet, lightsaber stab wounds all about the boy's small body. Darius fell to his knees and clutched his heart, pain and sorrows ripping through like a raging river of blood. A tear trickled down his cheek, which tickled his cheek as it ran its course, falling down onto the scratched and beaten face of the young boy.

And then Darius looked up, and behold was a courtyard littered with the bodies of Jedi, murdered by stab or blaster wound. Darius stood and reached for his saber, as a ripple coursed through the Force. His sorrow turned to anger as he began to stride forward, the pulses becoming stronger and stronger with each step.
Out of the smoke Darius emerged, and revealed was the scarlet glow of a lightsaber, which violently stabbed into the ground. The smoke and soot still obscured Darius' view, but he knew what lay beneath the blade of red. Hand on saber, Darius pulled and ignited his blade, green fire spewing from his hands.

"Gorog!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, bringing his saber forward at the ready. The red lifted and turned with a hum, then disappeared with a hiss, into the cover of the smoke and fog. Darius charged with all his fury, blindly into the smoke, swinging every which way, but it was futile. The Sith Lord was gone, and the Enclave burned. And all that was left was Darius to pick up the pieces.

____

Whoa... lol, my writer's mind took over. I didn't mean to write that whole thing. :lol:


Wut?.....


i write to. i have an updated version of my story i wrote a while back... but i kinda need to ask the mods if its okay if i post it. it gets REALLY violent. and kinda bloody... but its AMAZING!!!!!!

j lo maybe i should PM you the story and have you approve it first would this be okay?

Dude, if we can tolerate watching a bunch of Jedi being murdered Third Reich style, I think we're all right.

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

[QUOTE=Mazaki;177525]Zekk:

Is that excerpt just a back cover sort of thing, or is that the beginning of a chapter/prologue? Because if it's the beginning of a chapter, it needs work. I felt confused after reading through that. I need more details, get into Darius' mind. Go through his thoughts, talk about the horror he experiences when he sees the Enclave in flames.

Also, something to note: wouldn't he have seen the Enclave destroyed before he landed? Perhaps you could say:

As Darius made his descent, he noticed a massive smoke plume slowly rising up from the surface. Something was wrong...And the force told him so. The ship soon came within visual distance of the Enclave, and all became horrifyingly clear. Darius was stunned, and thought for a moment his sight had betrayed him; he couldn't believe it.
His gaze was ripped away from the sight for a brief moment as his faithful craft softly touched down on the landing pad, and the whine of engines shutting down reverberated through the cabin. Taking one last glance out the view screen, Darius ripped his gaze away and ran to the back of the ship, opened the ramp, and stepped out into the soot filled air. Darius lifted his hood, and made way for the Enclave.

The first Jedi he came across...It was not easy to bear. A mere youngling, maybe only 8 years old, was dead at Darius' feet, lightsaber stab wounds all about the boy's small body. Darius fell to his knees and clutched his heart, pain and sorrows ripping through like a raging river of blood. A tear trickled down his cheek, which tickled his cheek as it ran its course, falling down onto the scratched and beaten face of the young boy.

And then Darius looked up, and behold was a courtyard littered with the bodies of Jedi, murdered by stab or blaster wound. Darius stood and reached for his saber, as a ripple coursed through the Force. His sorrow turned to anger as he began to stride forward, the pulses becoming stronger and stronger with each step.
Out of the smoke Darius emerged, and revealed was the scarlet glow of a lightsaber, which violently stabbed into the ground. The smoke and soot still obscured Darius' view, but he knew what lay beneath the blade of red. Hand on saber, Darius pulled and ignited his blade, green fire spewing from his hands.

"Gorog!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, bringing his saber forward at the ready. The red lifted and turned with a hum, then disappeared with a hiss, into the cover of the smoke and fog. Darius charged with all his fury, blindly into the smoke, swinging every which way, but it was futile. The Sith Lord was gone, and the Enclave burned. And all that was left was Darius to pick up the pieces____
Whoa... lol, my writer's mind took over. I didn't mean to write that whole thing. :lol:[QUOTE]




It was a peice of the prologue to the book. And yes, he probably wouldv'e seen the flames, I actually noticed that too, but I wanted to see if anyone else would picl up on it. And I know it needs work still, but I was just giving a rough draft of what I have so far.

[Mazaki]

It was a peice of the prologue to the book. And yes, he probably wouldv'e seen the flames, I actually noticed that too, but I wanted to see if anyone else would picl up on it. And I know it needs work still, but I was just giving a rough draft of what I have so far.

I like what your concept is, it has a ton of potential. Hell, I know next to nothing about your story's plot, and I was able to write a handful of paragraphs right off the bat. You're headed in the right direction with your plot. :D

However, you must be your harshest critic. The only thing I can tell you to do is add more detail. Flesh out your characters, pull the reader in, get inside the character's heads. And trust me, your writing will improve very much. ;)

[Jedi_Knight_Zekk]

Thank you. And I must say, the paragraphs you wrote are now in my book, if you don't mind. Everything you wrote about the landing on Dantooine was so much better than mine. So I sipmply put my half first, yours second, and had a prologue! Now it's time for the first chapter.

[Mazaki]

Thank you. And I must say, the paragraphs you wrote are now in my book, if you don't mind. Everything you wrote about the landing on Dantooine was so much better than mine. So I sipmply put my half first, yours second, and had a prologue! Now it's time for the first chapter.

I appreciate your compliments, and no, I don't mind, but wouldn't it be better if you wrote your own version? It's gonna sound like two different writers, and that's always a bit weird when you're reading a book.

Also, there was a tiny mistake I caught after reading through it again. I had a bit of repetition going on where I said ripped or ripping twice within a same paragraph, and it reads a bit goofy.

If I were you, expand on your first written section, and turn those few sentences into a few paragraphs. If you immerse yourself into your character, I'm sure you can do it. Describe how your character looks, get into his thoughts, make him seem human.

Oh, one more thing: the whole muscles aching and joints clicking... It'd be good if you were describing someone like Yoda or another old fart... But I highly doubt your guy is an old fart. :wink: Talk about him stretching, flexing muscles, feeling powerful, make him sound young and well toned. He's a Jedi Master with an aggressive fighting style, make it sound like he works out every day and is in top shape.

[MandoJoe]

I write a little. Mostly X-Men/Marvel related, but I'm working on an Imperial Commando tale. All OC's, because I worship Karen Traviss and I won't muck with her Mando's, though I will play in her universe

[Tahm]

@ Mazaki, I have written a little bit but nothing SW related. Ironically enough I had started to map out a SW story a few months back. Been doing research mainly. And getting major scenes down. A technique I use is to organize my scenes in excel so I can follow the story in a glance it also makes re-arranging plot points very convienent.

Advice: Although what you have seems a bit "grittier" than most starwars books I've read it seems that the major issues I had with it were use of items related to our universe. Like a mouse. Eveything I've read computer related in sw is just data pads. This may date your writing as if this gets published who knows if we'll even have computer mice a decade from now. Another was the use of "newspapers". There were some other terms as well like "p*ssy" for example, I would refrain from using our derogatory terminology and try only using the SW terms, "nerd herder" for example (I know it doesn't fit the situation but you get my point) even if you have to make it up. Also I wouldn't say "would you like their numbers" but instead say something like. "I can arrange a 'private' meeting with them for you. After they finish they're shift of course." (becuase I don't know if "numbers" is appropriate, and feels a little juvenile to me) I hope you found this helpful I realize this is a draft and didn't want you to feel like I was attacking your work. I like how sev is implied to be mandolorian. At least that's what I gathered from the surname.

Lastly I'm curious why you posted chapter 2 and not chapter 1.

[Brackley]

I wrote a whole load when I was in an X-Wing vs TIE Fighter/X-Wing Alliance gaming club. I started again - posted nine parts on a character story thread somewhere here - but lost track of it. It covers several generations, starting with a Jedi Knight of the Old Republic and ending with a Rebel/New Republic pilot during the era of the Imperial Remnant.

I try to stay within the canon - it's limiting, but it's more fun to impose these limits and create ways to work around them. One of them features a kind of homage to a TSCC forumer as a powerful but somewhat characterful Dark Jedi/Sith. :)

[Mazaki]

@ Mazaki, I have written a little bit but nothing SW related. Ironically enough I had started to map out a SW story a few months back. Been doing research mainly. And getting major scenes down. A technique I use is to organize my scenes in excel so I can follow the story in a glance it also makes re-arranging plot points very convienent.

Advice: Although what you have seems a bit "grittier" than most starwars books I've read it seems that the major issues I had with it were use of items related to our universe. Like a mouse. Eveything I've read computer related in sw is just data pads. This may date your writing as if this gets published who knows if we'll even have computer mice a decade from now. Another was the use of "newspapers". There were some other terms as well like "p*ssy" for example, I would refrain from using our derogatory terminology and try only using the SW terms, "nerd herder" for example (I know it doesn't fit the situation but you get my point) even if you have to make it up. Also I wouldn't say "would you like their numbers" but instead say something like. "I can arrange a 'private' meeting with them for you. After they finish they're shift of course." (becuase I don't know if "numbers" is appropriate, and feels a little juvenile to me) I hope you found this helpful I realize this is a draft and didn't want you to feel like I was attacking your work. I like how sev is implied to be mandolorian. At least that's what I gathered from the surname.

Lastly I'm curious why you posted chapter 2 and not chapter 1.

I appreciate your input, I actually noticed the whole mouse thing the other day and was thinking about changing it. I'm just gonna remove it completely, actually.

And you're right, I'll the references to the employees to the more mature version you offered. That sounds a bit more star warsy. As for Sev's insult, "featherweight" would be quite a good substitute. :cool:

And yes, Sev is Mando'a. ;)

As for posting a section of chapter 2, chapter one has some issues that need a ton of fixing, and I'd rather not post any of it. And I'm pretty proud of this part of chapter 2 anyways. :eek: